Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
