cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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