I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
