Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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