I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
