Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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