he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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