our cab driver is having phone sex.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
