she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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