Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
