woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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