Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
this just has baby written all over it
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
