You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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