a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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