just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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