were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
