are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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