If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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