I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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