ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
