Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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