I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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