I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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