I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize