I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
