how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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