meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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