so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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