Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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