If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
