I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
