Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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