hotel room ftw
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
