Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
