your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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