i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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