It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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