My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
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