Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
