We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
