Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
