you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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