if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
