Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
