Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize