from now on my penis is your penis
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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