This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Let's get the cat blown out
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
