i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
