i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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