I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
