You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
