he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
