I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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