I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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