So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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