I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
