Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
