i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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