dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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