I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
