I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
did i just pee glitter
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
