My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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